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Proof
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,'
For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.
The desk clerk, a very
attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking
for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'
So they start
going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'
The friends laugh and
without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and
thin.'
Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men
here have it short and thick.'
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they
move on to the next floor.
On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'
The
women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing,
they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible
to please a woman.'
Cool Dude
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman
notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well,
it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I
am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Genie
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle
of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful,
honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and -
bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch
out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock
on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room
is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.
When
the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies,
"sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor
in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No
problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house
in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must
grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand
years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches
his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if
it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband
stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your
husband?"
31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Blonde moment
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm
so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my
god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed!
My daughter has a penis."
Quick Thinker
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that
I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed
3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a
quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time
I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then
told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then farted."
Q. Why the liberty statue had to be a girl and not a man?
A. The answer is because the need it
empty from the head so they could put a panoramic view
Payback
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got
in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card
numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you
don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino
to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the
line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a
blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think
it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted,
she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
I'm sending out some cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing
at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Guys Remember
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind
the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce" The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The
husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your
best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the
car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car
slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you
want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The
airbag."
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the
passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat
pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked.
He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh
I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."
Proof
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many
men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads
up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she
goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor
exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track
- all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents
TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer,
used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the
credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the
winter.
Monkey Business
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs
off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the
cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?"
"What, What?"
says the man.
The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"
"Well, I'm not suprised, he eats
everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"
Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his
drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it
whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"What, What did he do this
time?"
The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"
The man say's "Well, I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything
first"
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