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Most of these jokes were posted on the Get Tiffany Joke Forum, thank you GT players
GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the
door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those
two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the Pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are
you still
there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him
out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized
wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were
required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure
to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin
and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation
he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed
sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into
the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a
friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well
that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man
mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job,
but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap
carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company
of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's
rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through
the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow,
I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's
a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going
to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars
here....."
Famous Quotes
1 Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed
to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” * Miss
Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2 ”Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help
but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” * Mariah Carey
3”Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain
as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
* Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22
4“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law” * David
Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
6“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” * Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward
7“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”*
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
8“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.”
* Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
9“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” * Jason Kidd, upon his drafting
to the Dallas Mavericks
10“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
* Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
11. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” *Former French President Charles
De Gaulle
12. “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just
the one to do it.” * A congressional candidate in Texas
13. “The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.”
*Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
14. “When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in
L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the
killings? The killers are to blame.” *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the
Los Angeles Riots.
15. “I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were
great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” * John
Wayne
16. “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” * Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny
Ozark
17. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
18. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” * General
William Westmoreland
19. “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful.
How true that is.” * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund.
(He was attempting to quote the line”a mind is a terrible thing to waste”.)
20. “If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from
under your feet.” * Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
21. “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” *Former U.S. Vice-President
Dan Quayle
22. “After a short commercial break, I’ll introduce you to Kansas City’s latest
murder victim.” *WDAF-TV news anchor
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and
asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys says, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer replied, "You're going to love it there... the grass is a foot tall!"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands
on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name
of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little shit on your knee."
I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon
nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened
it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
I'm sending out some cards
A guy walks into a post office one
day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes
with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
one of my favourites :)
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind
the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce" The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The
husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your
best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the
car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car
slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you
want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really,"
he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The
airbag."
US naval and canada
Posted by SaBeR TooTh on 9/20/2006
This is the
transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland inOctober,1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one asked, "Where did you get
such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
_________________________________________
A young magician started to work on a cruise
ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would
always ruin his act by saying things like, “He
has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in
his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the
parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For
a couple of days, they just sat there looking at
each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence
and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with
the ship?”
_________________________________________
A son walks into the living room and asks his
dad to borrow the car because he has a hot
date.
The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your
long hair.''
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted
his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''
And the dad replies, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked
everywhere he went too, didn't he?''
_________________________________________
The Popular mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by
her mother, who immediately demanded an
inspection of the place. While they were walking
through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the
farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks
as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would whisper something to
the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and
say something. Whenever a man walked by and
whispered to the farmer, he would shake his
head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the
pastor later asked the farmer what that was all
about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say,
'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my
head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask,
'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake
my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
_________________________________________
50 Bucks
a couple arrived in vegas in the late afternoon
and was on the way 2 the strip on the way there
the husband saw a helicopter and saw a sign in
the front of it that free helicopter rides 50 bucks
thinken it was a totally fair deal the husband
asked his wife if they culd maybe take a spin.
the wife explained to him that 50 bucks was a lot
of money and if they spent that then they wuldnt
be able afford the hotel for the night. the next
day they were heading back towards the strip
when the husband saw the same helicopter he
once again asked his wife if they culd take a
spin.. after a while the owner of the helicopter
noticed the couple fighting and made his way
over and he said escuse me but i cant stand
watching u to fight especially on ur honeymoon
if u guyz stop fighting id be honored to give u a
ride for free. but if u to as so much as talk while
on the helicopter ill land it and make u pay me
the 50 dollar fee. the couple agrreed and got on
the helicopter. about an hour later the pilot
turned around and only saw the husband sitting
there and asked the husband where his wife is ..
he quickly replied oo she fell out about 25 minz
ago. the pilot looking rather sick said well! y
didnt u say anything! . to which the reply of the
husband was "50 bucks is 50 bucks"
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