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Bahaman , Dec 14th @ 4:04pm
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use
the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there
he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one
labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure,
he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP
button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR
button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'
_______________________________________
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed
to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold
floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He
clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two
words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you
got here."
________________________________________
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."
____________________________________
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them
and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns
to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
___________________________
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are
you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."
_____________________
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it,
and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts
his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on
the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says:
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman.
"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
__________________
A Logical Solution
Posted by GheTTo ChilD on 10/15/2007
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From
a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________________________________
Two indians and a hillbilly
Posted by SaBeRTooTh on 10/22/2007
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the
woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called
into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the
other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they
holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting
to mate." Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for
a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women
in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed
his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes
and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the
Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
Posted on 11/2/2007
Be Prepared.
A boy decided to have a dinner with
his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip
to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers
back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
From: ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
Posted by 9E Nowitzki
MVP on 11/11/2007
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver, and he had the
man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help
but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and
I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick did the trick,' and
I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber
could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Old lady farting.
Posted by Master Viper on 11/9/2007
An old lady came into her doctor's office and
confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor.
In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days
and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't
know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they
smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses,
we'll work on your hearing!"
A joke.
Posted by Madison Lane on 11/3/2007
A zoo adopts a new female gorilla, in hopes that she will mate with the male gorillas.
The problem is, she's so ugly, that none of the male gorillas will even go near her.
The zookeeper realizes this problem, but doesn't want to spend money on another gorilla, so he goes up the
the janitor, explains the problem, and says, "Would you be willing to have sex with that gorilla for $500?"
The janitor thinks for a moment, and says, "Okay, but only under three conditions:
"1. I don't
want to kiss her.
"2. I don't want people to know about it.
"3. I need a few more days to come up with the
$500."
The One?
Posted by SiR Lothario FFF on 10/5/2006
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in
bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man
she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
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