An essex girl is out driving
one day when her car skids at
a roundabout and hits the car
infront. as she's injured, an
ambulance is called and a
paramedic quickly arrives.
'what's your name, love' he
asks
'sharon' she replies
looking around, the medic
see's there's alot of blood,
'sharon,' he asks 'where are
you bleeding from?'
'romford' she replies
__________________________
Two Chavs are filling up their
tanks at the petrol station, first
chav says that the prices are
terrible and are going to go
even higher. Second chav
replies "won't affect me, I
always put in just 10 quid's
worth".
__________________________
A man working in a brewery
dies after falling into a vat of
beer. The manager breaks the
news to his widow. 'Did he
suffer much?' she sobs. 'I
dont think so,' the manager
tells her. 'He climed out three
times to use the toilet.'
__________________________
Council Refuse man goes into
Chinese take-away, 'cos he
can't find the bin outside. The
conversation goes like this:
Council Refuse
man: "Where's
ya bin, mate?"
Chinaman: "I bin Hong Kong"
"No, No, where's ya bin?"
"yes, I bin Hong Kong"
"No, No, where's ya wheelie
bin?"
"Yes Yes, I wheelie bin Hong
Kong"
__________________________
In Italy, condoms are packed
in 6's - one for Monday, one
for Tuesday, one for
Wednesday, one for Thursday,
one for Friday and one for
Saturday, Sunday being a day
of rest in a catholic country.
The French however, pack
them in 8's - Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
and two for Sunday - (trust the
French!).
The English pack them in 12's
- January, February,
March...............
__________________________
A Husband and wife lying in
bed one night, all of a sudden
there is someone banging on
the front door, Husband says
to the wife "who could be
knocking on the door this
early in the morning" i dunno
said the wife. So the Husband
goes to the window and
shouts "who's there? A man's
voice shouts back, "excuse
me cudn do me a favour could
you", what do u want says the
Husband, man replies you
cudn give me a push could
you? Husband says what you
mean give you a push no i
won't do you know what the
time is?, man keeps shouting,
aww please i'm desperate, so
the wife says to husband, go
on go and give him a push
you can see how desperate he
is, so the man puts his
trousers on, then his boots,
goes down the stairs and
opens the door and shouts
"Right where are ya then?
Man replies "OVER HERE ON
THE SWINGS"
__________________________
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys
on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00
am and the driver
fears he will get the
sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where are you going ?" asks
the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take
these to Chester Zoo for me"
says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid
for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his
truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there
for a good few hours
when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway,
still with all the chimps on board!
Panicking, he flags him down
again. "What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did!" says the Irish fella,
"but there's still fifty quid left so now we are going to Alton Towers
__________________________
Wife was making a breakfast of
fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the
kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving with you in the car."
__________________________
Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past
the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled ralph out.
When the director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately
ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her
to be mentaly stable
When she went to tell Edna
the news she said, "Edna, I
have good news and bad news
The good news
is you're being discharged
since you
were
able to rationally respond
to a
crisis by jumping in and
saving the
life of another patient. I have
concluded that your act
displays
sound
mindedness. The bad news
is
Ralph, the patient you saved,
hanged
himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after
you
saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead" Edna replied "He
didn't hang himself, I hung
him up there to dry.
How
soon can I
go home?"
__________________________
An Essex girl was driving
down the A13 when her car
phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently
warning her, "Treacle, I just
heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on
the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not
just one car!" said the
Essex girl, "There's hundreds
of them!"
