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Mature stuff

Church Organist


There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted
Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.  They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to
mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

 She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

 

 

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THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

 

 

 

 

 

  

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

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I'm BoB

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

A What?
 
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly. The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'

Priorities
 
A man goes to bed and reaches over his wife.
Starts sliding his hand slowly across her shoulders, then down her side, just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs.
He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs.
He slows and moves back towards the top and stops! His wife gasps "why have you stopped?"
He replies "I've found the remote, go back to sleep"

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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

A COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50..00


Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,


found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,



I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?





I'm awfully cold.'




'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.


'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f***ing blanket.'






After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


The End

BullShit

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
By an enemy Indian War Party.  
 
 
The Indian Chief proclaims,
 
"So,  YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....  
 
 
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, 
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you,  I grant you three requests" 
"What is your FIRST request ???' 
The Lone Ranger responds, 
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
 
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear,  and the horse gallops away. 
Later that evening,  Silver returns with
A beautiful blonde woman on  his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, 
The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.  

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
 
"But I will still kill you in two days." 
"What is your SECOND request ???" 

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
 
Silver is brought  to
 Him, 
And he again whispers in the horse's ear. 
 As before,  Silver takes off and disappears
Over the horizon. 
Later that evening,  to the Chief's surprise, 
Silver again returns,  this time with a
Voluptuous brunette,  more attractive
Than the blonde.
 
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
 
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."  
 
"What is your LAST request ???"  
 
 The Lone Ranger responds, 
"I'd like to speak to my horse,  ....  Alone." 
 The Chief is curious,   but he agrees, 
And Silver is brought to
The 
Lone Ranger's tent.  
 
 

 Once they're alone,  
The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, 
Looks him square in the eye and says,
 
 Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

 I SAID ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
       
"BRING  POSSE"

news_clip_cork_radio.jpg

The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
When he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
Hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the
Firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The Firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied
The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
To tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
Rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'