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Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words,
What happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Little Old Lady:
He started
to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
D id you stop him?
Little
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It
felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.
Defence
Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!
Defence
Attorney:
Why ever not?
Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and
told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell,
no! He just yelled,
'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b*stard.
Life In Russia
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years
to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn
that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches
the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he
asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week.
The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly
tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again
and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks
up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the
morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply
that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming
that morning!"
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Clever
A donkey had an IQ of 186, and yet he had no friends.
Apparently even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
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Fact
A homeless man asked a tourist for $2. The tourist asked, "Will you buy booze?" The homeless man said,
"No." The tourist asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The homeless man said, "No." Then
the tourist asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Question: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Answer: Drumsticks for everybody!
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed
young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to
close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket
of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a real good appetite, because
they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
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