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Jokes, Facts and Fun Stuff
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On "In Flight" page
Try this out, click picture below
Please note, these are sent in by different people, I do not know
the sorce of these pictures or jokes, they are posted for fun, enjoy - Parental Guidance Recomended
Welcome to our Joke page!  WARNING - PARENT PLEASE,
check out the content before letting children view
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? Hmmmm.....
Ever wondered...... ?
? How does a blind person know when he's
done wiping his ass?
? What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
? Why is
the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 
?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
? Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp? 
?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
? If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow,
...how cold will it be?
? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the
rest have to drown too?
? Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but
when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £1.00/minute?
? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 
? What was the best thing before sliced bread?
? If the cops arrest a mime, do they
tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 
? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
? If someone with
multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation? 
?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic
Wins Lottery"?
? Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still
move your lips? 
? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
? Why is it that
rain drops but snow falls?
? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
? Why is the
time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
? Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised
you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make
it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like
a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work
around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak
if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old
brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your
car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27.
Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30.
All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this
won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37.
Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks
it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know
you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get
me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french
fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54.
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is
more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60.
Where's the rest of it?
The teacher ask Bob "Bob you were supposed to write five pages on milk, it's only half a
page long! what happened?"
Bob said " I was writing about condensed milk"
The teacher askes the student "What is your favorite state?"
The kid says "I like Mississipi"
The
teacher said "How do you spell it?"
The kid says "err... I like Ohio better!"
one of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named george filled in. He was a good
player and a very pleasent company so they asked him to join there group again the next following sunday "9.30 ok?"
George
said "ok, but i'm maybe for 10 minutes late. Wait for me"
The following sunday he showed up right on time. Not only that
he played left-handed and beat them...
They agreed to meet him the next following sunday. Again george said "ok, i'm maybe
10 minutes late. Wait for me...
Again George was on time... One of the foursome asked why he always said 'maybe i'm 10
minutes late'
George said "Well thats true, when i wake up at a morning and my wife is sleeping on her right side, i play
right-handed. When she is sleeping on her left-side, i play left-handing...
"What she is lying on her back"?
"Well then i'm 10 minutes late!!!"
A young man, who just got married, asked his father how to have sex,
"Well" his father
said "just take the thing you played with when you were young and put it where your wife wee wee's!
So the young man took
his baseball bat and threw it in the toilet!
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A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and
Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead
on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead
of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to
pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure
his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we
could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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A Fairy told a married couple: "For
being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with
my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and.... abracadabra!
Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this moment
is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to
have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle
with her magic stick
and.......abracadabra!...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old!
Men might be ba*&#$ds....
But Fairies are.....Female! 
A FEW BLONDE JOKES 
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home
early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra
gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She
quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again
sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting
together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed
to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain
it five times." 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Please send us your (clean) jokes for this page
Cheerios?
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?"
says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The
5 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass", OK?"
The
4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for
breakfast. "Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The
other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and
set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly
starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more
bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her
new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except
they won't let you fart."
Send me your joke for this site, what's YOUR favorite?
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen
wood searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one
blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
Two old friends bumped into each other in a restaurant. One asked, "Are you still
seeing that girl Helen?" "Nah," said the other, "she bled to death from gonorrhea." The first guy said, "You don't bleed to
death from gonorrhea." His friend replied, "You do if you give it to me."
  HmmmA man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters
his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again
to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's
wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets,
pulls down the man's
pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them."
Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?"
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure
device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The
husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
Sent in by 2 girls, hmm?
Q--What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the
ground?
A-- Shoot him again.
Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.
Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him. Or alternative answer - three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to
listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of
fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial
to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was
killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh,
you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
EVER WONDER where
we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline:"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my
hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit
late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".(And you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We
could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help
me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
Delta?)
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing
of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there
a lot of this happening somewhere?)
 A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well,
let's see what we can do about that:
First, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is
very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills
his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes
when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely
amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
him into
the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money
runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking
up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that
they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
get him
in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends the money.
The boy has
a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just
can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got
out of the shower, Fido was in the living room
kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked, 'So,
is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who
lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you
SHOT that lyin' SOB!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy."
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when
he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford anything
thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys says, "But I have a wife and three kids."
The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said,
"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer replied, "You're going to love it there...
the grass is a foot tall!"
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All
lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him
on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No,
I’m an asshole.”
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed
and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At
1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*****
blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One
day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The
letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole
my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was
touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of
the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.
Christmas
came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter
was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends
of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post
Office.
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