TAKING A WOMAN TO BED What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,  68 and 78? ****************************************************************************  At 8  You take her to bed and tell her a story ****************************************************************************  At 18  You tell her a story and take her to bed ****************************************************************************  At 28  You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed ****************************************************************************  At 38  She tells you a story and takes you to bed ****************************************************************************  At 48  She tells you a story to avoid going to bed ****************************************************************************  At 58  You stay in bed to avoid her story    ****************************************************************************  At 68  If you take her to bed, that'll be a story ****************************************************************************  At 78  What story? What bed? Who the hell are you? ****************************************************************************  According to the Office for National Statistics  190,374 people are having sex right now  212,130 are kissing  and one poor soul is reading emails  You hang in there, Sunshine!   _________________________________________ Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "Someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "Did you see who did it?" Paddy says "No, but I got the registration number!!" From Raquel                                            Hand in Marrage? One day a king decided it was time to find a husband for his daughter, so he sent his messengers out to inform the people and tell them to ralley around the palace the next day. So by the next morning there was millions of men waiting for the king to make his anouncement,"I have filled up the mote with alligators, snakes, sharks, and deadly jellyfish. The first man to cross this mote and stand before me will recieve my daughters hand in marraige, half of my kingdom, and anything else he wishes to have!" So the king waited, and waited, and waited for someone to stand before him to claim the prize. Finally when the king was about to give up he spots a man crawling out of the mote. He was bleeding everywhere, his clothes were in shreds,and he could barely breathe. When the king saw him he said,"MY SON, you're bravery is great!!You may have my daughters hand in marraige, half of my kingdom, and anything else you want, just name it!" When the man could finally speak ! he stood up and said,"I want the son of a bit-h who threw me in!" sent in by Rhonda of USA Golfing Nun A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

	The poor Minister   A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "Shit!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.

	Mommy Mommy   mummy mummy, why do I keep running round in circles?  Shutup, or I will nail your other foot to the ground.   Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts. shut up and eat whats infront of you!   Mommy, Mommy! why is daddy zigzaging in the yard? shut up and shoot again   a little girl came home frome school and told her mother,"mommy,today in school i got punished for somthing that i didn't do" The mother exclaimed "But thats terrible! im going to have a talk with your teacher about this... by the way what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied "my homework"!   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -     Why Parents  Drink! The boss wondered why one  of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one  day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers  resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with  a child's whisper. 'Hello.' 'Is your daddy  home?' he  asked. 'Yes,' whispered the small  voice. 'May I talk with  him?' The child  whispered, 'No.' Surprised and  wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy  there?' 'Yes'. 'May I talk with  her?' Again the small  voice whispered, 'No' Hoping there was  somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss  asked,'Is anybody else  there?' 'Yes,' whispered the child,  'a  policeman.' Wondering what a  cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss  asked,'May I speak with the  policeman?'   'No, he's  busy,' whispered the  child. 'Busy doing  what?' 'Talking to Daddy and  Mommy and the Fireman', came the whispered  answer.. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the  background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,  'What is that  noise?' 'A  helicopter' answered the whispering  voice. 'What is going on  there?' demanded the boss, now  truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,  'The search team just  landed a helicopter' Alarmed,  concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching  for?' Still  whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...  'Me.'

	This could happen to you!   I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!' And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'   At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?' Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: 'No.... I'm a little busy right now!!!' Then I hear the person say, nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'